Finding a way or letting go
by igore
Summary: SPOILERS FOR THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE OF S/7. Post-End of Days


Title: Finding a way or letting go  
Rating:PG  
Disclaimer:Not smart enough, or enough money so it ain't mine. DAMN YOU WHEDON!  
Summary: SPOILERS FOR SECOND TO LAST EPISODE FOR S7! So if you don't want to know a few things that happen, don't read on. This is after the episode End of Days, the second to last episode in Season seven. This is what I think would happen after episode ends.  
  
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If his heart actually beat, it would have shriveled and died all over again.  
  
Spike just stood there feeling like his guts were being ripped apart. Seeing Buffy kiss Angel. After everything. She just goes back to him.   
  
But that's when it hits him, the terrible realization that he had tried to avoid ever since the first time she kissed him. It hit him full on. And he couldn't stand there any longer. Turning away and walking out without a sound. He strode into the night the thoughts tearing through his mind. Tears were rolling down his face. He finally understood it. It hurt worse than anything he had ever felt. That was saying something after being tortured by a hell god and being driven insane with guilt. But this topped them all. And he ran to escape it. The pain, the intense pain that shredded his insides. He ran as fast and hard as he could until he collapse onto his knees. Burying his head in his hand he sobbed for being such a fool.  
  
Hearing the growling noise in front of him he finally looked where he was. Two turok han stood sneering at him. With those bony faces staring at him he was filled with a sudden rush of immeasurable rage. All the pain he had been feeling turned into anger and adrenaline. Suddenly not caring anymore he let the demon come out and take over.   
  
It was beyond words or human thought. With a inhuman roar he jumped into the fight.  
  
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This felt so good, familiar and safe. The cold arms around her. Her body against his. Her lips on his. It felt like coming home to a place where things made sense and nothing could go wrong. She ignored a quiet voice in the back of her head and focused on the sensations and feelings of being in his arms. But a loud noise brought her out of her daze. She looked at Angels face and smiled the small smile she reserved just for him. Detangling each other out of the others arms, a uncomfortable silence settled over them.   
  
Checking for anything else she sheathed the scythe in her belt and started for the trek home with Angel by her side. The silence continued until Angel couldn't stand it any longer.   
  
"How are you Buffy?"  
  
She laughed at that. He was asking her now after they had kissed the crap out of each other.   
  
"I've been better. Things haven't been angst free lately what with the whole, First evil going to suck the world into hell, thing happening. But I'm getting through it. I've had a lot of help from my friends and Sp..."  
  
She stopped there. The quiet voice suddenly started screaming in her head. But Angel didn't catch it and asked innocently  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Spike."   
  
She didn't even realize she uttered the name. She was completely lost in thought. So much that she didn't catch the look of confusion and a slight apprehension that crossed Angel's face. She had stopped walking and tried to order the flying thoughts in her mind.  
  
Oh god this was bad.   
  
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They got to Revello drive after about an hour of walking.   
  
All the while Angel was trying to coax out of Buffy what was the matter. She gave little information that seemed just to create more questions. All he learned was that Spike had been helping for awhile. But he knew there was more. But finally stopped, knowing that he wouldn't get anymore out of her. That's one of the things that Buffy has mastered, if she doesn't want to tell anyone, it would take an act of god to get it out of her.  
  
Surprisingly they didn't run into any of the First's lackeys on the way. Which was odd cause Buffy had just gutted it's second in command. When they got in Willow was quick to meet them at the door. Though she did hesitate, and a look of surprise crossed her face when Angel followed her into the door. Buffy could tell she was nervous  
  
"Oh. Hi. Angel, I didn't know you were here."  
  
"Yeah I heard you guys needed a hand."  
  
"Oh, th-that's great. That you're here. To lend a hand."  
  
Angel just smiled, while Buffy knew something was up. And by the way she was skirting around Angel, she knew that if he were involved it would make things worse. Deciding not to wait to deal with it she turned to angel.  
  
"Hey could you check on Faith, she wasn't feeling to good last I checked, I need to talk with Willow for a sec."  
  
Angel looked at her for a moment. Something wasn't right. But if it was life threatening she would tell him and he did want to see how Faith was doing. So he didn't press the issue and went upstairs.  
  
Relieved that he didn't start asking questions, she turned to Willow who motioned to the kitchen. She was saddened at the dead look in the Potentials eyes. They finally knew what it was like to survive and see so much death.  
  
When they got in the kitchen Willow turned and whispered to Buffy so not even the Angel could hear.  
  
"Buffy I think something's wrong with Spike."  
  
A little stab of guilt pierced her heart at his name. But she pushed that aside to take care of it later. Right now she had to focus. This was the most concern Willow had shown for Spike in awhile.  
  
"Willow what happened?"  
  
"I-I don't know exactly what happened. I was in the kitchen with Kennedy...um...researching and Spike walked in through the back door. He went straight to the basement so I didn't get a good look at him. But..."  
  
She waited for willow to continue, but it looked as if she was really uncomfortable. They didn't have time for comfort.   
  
"Willow what!"  
  
She said it a little harsher than she meant, but all this was taking a toll on her. Whether or not it was harsh, it got Willows attention.   
  
"He was vamped out. Not just that, he-he looked like he had gone ten rounds with a semi. And when I tried to talk to him, he growled at me. I've never heard him growl like that before. And you know me, I've been a witness to many of the growls of Spike. But it was a whole different growl, like nothing was left of him in there, all demony."  
  
Buffy was running away with her thoughts, she couldn't figure out what was wrong. If Spike got another trigger she would have come home to guts on the walls. The little voice in the back of her head was talking again. But she ignored it. After a moment of battling it out in her head she decided to see for herself. She looked at willow for a moment.   
  
"I'm going to go check on him, maybe figure what's wrong. Don't worry I'll be careful."  
  
Willow accepted this and moved back to the living room. Leaving Buffy to try and compose herself. She turned to the Basement door and began walking to a place that she just wanted to run and hide from. She was about to open the door when she noticed a few things odd about it.   
  
The wood around the handle was cracked, something had almost ripped it off. Also there was blood on the handle. Avoiding the blood she opened the door and walked down the steps. She heard a slow constant dripping sound. Faint but there none the less. If she was expecting anything it certainly wasn't him sitting there, leaning against the wall, head ducked low, arms hanging in between his knees which his elbows lightly rested on, quietly humming to himself. Even more odd was his lack of response to her. Usually whenever she entered a room his eyes went to her. Trying to act normal, which was hard cause she kept picturing Angels lips on hers.  
  
"Spike."  
  
He continued humming but his head rose and lolled back against the wall. The moonlight played on his vampire features, his eyes seemed to glow. But she noticed his was a bit mangled. He had blood running down his face from cuts on his head and cheek. She finally noticed where the dripping sound was coming from, a small river of blood went down his arm, dripping off his fingers. She was about to speak when his laughing cut her off. It was a deep chuckle, but for some reason it made her wary. Deciding not to let that get to her she pressed on.  
  
"Spike what happened?"  
  
He was still laughing, still in his game face. But he spoke anyway.  
  
"You'll have to be a bit more specific than that pet. Lot of things happened."  
  
This confused her even more, he was acting like the old spike. The demon that hurt her. Did he loose his soul?   
  
"If you mean why does my face look like something you find on the side of the road, then it's simple. Had a little play date with two of my bony faced vampire pals. Got in a little spat about which was better looking, Billy Idol or Nosveratue, I won. Course they got in a few good points."  
  
Buffy flinched when Spike set his arm with a sickening snap. Something definitely was off. Her slayer senses were getting more and more twitchy with every word. He seemed to examine one of his broken fingers for a moment before setting it.  
  
"That was after I saw the woman I love more than my own unlife lovingly make out with a person that I hate with a passion."  
  
His went to her widening eyes. What was once a swirl of emotions, most of all love, was replaced with pure rage and sadness. Buffy's mouth worked slightly trying to think of something to say. Before she could say anything he stood with a smoothness that seemed to contradict the state of his body. She backed up out of his reach. He didn't do anything but stare silently. Trying to clear her thoughts she started.  
  
"Spike I..."  
  
"You know what I figured out."  
  
He had started to pace. Eyes leaving hers to stare ahead until he would turn then, meet hers, and look ahead.  
  
"I am the biggest joke in this whole damn performance."  
  
His voice was full of a mirth that made Buffy flinch a bit.   
  
"I mean, it was staring right at me. But I couldn't see it. It was there plain as day, just wouldn't see it."  
  
"Spike..."  
  
His head whipped to face her, his face morphing back to his human mask, her mouth snapped shut at the rage and pain on his face. Spikes eyes glittered with tears. When she didn't say anything he morphed back and stared ahead, continuing.   
  
"You know why I didn't end it? Buffy, after the fists and words, after all that, why I didn't just give up and break it off. Because sometimes, when you looked at me I would see something. Very small, a flicker, something that told me you could love me, see me as more than a monster.   
  
I told myself that after every punch and ugly word you threw at me. Once I got my soul and after I started getting coherent I told myself that I was just imagining it. And I stopped, I stopped trying to get you, knowing it wasn't there. But you started with the soft looks, and touches. I was more than a bit confused."  
  
He stopped right in front of her. She was fighting the lump in her throat. She had asked her these questions a hundred times before. She was finally getting her answer  
  
"But I realized something when I saw you two together. That was love in your eyes, just you weren't seeing me."  
  
Her brow creased when she heard that. What did he mean?  
  
"Sp.."  
  
His face morphed again this time holding. The raw emotion displayed on it silenced her again.  
  
"You didn't see me. It wasn't my lips you kissed, it wasn't my arms around you, it wasn't me you were shagging! I was just a actor, a substitute for the one you wanted. Your illusion, where I was Angel. And mine where you might love me."  
  
She went in instant defense and deny.  
  
"That's not true, I'm sorry but I wasn't substituting Angel with you. Your nothing like him!"   
  
She was angry with him now. She didn't want to think she could do that to someone. Use someone like that. But what could she say, that she was using him to make her feel. How was that better.  
  
"Never said it was a good illusion. Why do you think you were so disgusted with yourself after. You saw that it wasn't him, that you were sleeping with a evil soulless thing. But that didn't matter did it! You didn't have Angel to comfort you so you used me as a substitute for him! And I was all to willing to be lost in my own illusion to notice it. That's why it's funny. That's why I'm a joke."  
  
He became tired. The tears rolled down his face. His rage seemed to burn out leaving only the infinite sorrow that made Buffy frown. Her own anger dying with his.  
  
"I thought getting a soul would make you see past the monster and see the man. A man who could be forgiven. All I really did was make it easier to see Angel's face instead of my own."  
  
The anger ignited again with a new force. She punched him. He staggered back against the wall and slumped to the floor. She didn't want to hear this. She didn't have the time. It wasn't true. She doesn't use people like that. Buffy's eyes started to tear. She wasn't a bad person.  
  
"I want to blame you. I want to blame you more than anything. But I can't. You can't choose the one you love. And Buffy you love Angel. There has always been a place in your heart that only he could touch. Capt. Cardboard saw that. He wanted all of you and you wouldn't give it, cause that spot's reserved for him."  
  
The tears rolled down her cheeks. The words rung true.  
  
"You showed me that place. When you let me wrap my arms around you while you slept. But It wasn't my arms that were holding you. Was his. Always will be."  
  
She wanted to deny all this, but couldn't. She didn't know whether she imagined His or Angel's, just that it felt right.  
  
"You don't love me, you'll never love me. Because you won't ever let him go and open your heart to anyone but him. And until you finally do, there won't be any room for anyone else."  
  
His voice was breaking and raw. The words were being ripped from his throat. And he hated the taste of there truth as much as she did. No longer able to support herself on weak knees she sagged to the ground. Spike looked at her, his pale blue eyes deadened.   
  
"This ends. No more. I'll love you till I'm dust, which could be tomorrow, but I won't delude myself into thinking we could have more than illusions."   
  
Picking himself up, he walked passed her without another glance. When he was climbing up the steps she turned to him, staring at his back. She had to say something.  
  
"Spike, please."   
  
He stopped there and turned to her. His soft smile and small voice made her choke on a sob. The love in his eyes had returned, she almost cheered. But his words made that die before it could reach her face.  
  
"Buffy. Find a way to be with him, or let Angel go. You don't have much time left. Whether or not we die today or tomorrow, your life is too short for you to be stuck without the person you love."   
  
His eyes began to water again, before they could overflow he turned and walked the rest of the way up the stairs.   
  
She sat there stunned. A million thoughts running through her head. It was true she hadn't let Angel go, that she had saved a special place in her heart for only him. It was probably what drove Riley off to find someone who didn't lock away parts of herself to him. But she didn't know whether she had used Spike as a substitute. It was more than likely.   
  
What was she supposed to do now?  
  
She spent an what seemed like hours sitting there trying to understand the feelings blowing through her. She couldn't ask any of her friends, they would be as biased as you could get, and this was ultimately her decision. Unbidden memories played through her mind of her whole life in Sunnydale. And after a moment it all clicked, she finally knew. Her decision made she climbed the steps and walked out the door into the kitchen.  
  
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AN: This isn't in the last episode, but I do think that she'll have to make such a decision. When I read the spoiler (which is from a source that has always been right) I was pissed.   
  
I am not a B/A fan. And to think that after everything that has happened, the series would end with a B/A ending just pissed me off to no end.   
  
But as much as I don't like it, I can't deny that Buffy is still in love with Angel. And as much as it pisses me off she should be with the one she loves. There isn't a definite ending to this cause I don't know which she'll choose.   
  
She could, in the end go, to Angel. But I don't think Whedon would allow the relationship that has been building for the past 3 seasons between Buffy and Spike to go down the crapper so soon to the Series finale.   
  
I hope not. 


End file.
